Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Bees' Needs

Dear Bees,

Okay, what's the story? What's going on here? Why is it that I've been reading all these articles about how you guys are just up and vanishing without a trace? They've been calling it "Colony Collapse Disorder", but in all honesty none of us know what we've done to make you go away. Was it something we said? Something Don Imus said? Cause we took care of him. You don't have to worry.
Did you guys just want some attention? I could see that. We humans certainly owe you some better press, especially after all those "Killer Bee" scares of the 1990's, but that's no reason to just pack up shop and disappear. I thought we had a deal. We teach our kids not to whack your hives with sticks and you pollinate some of our crops. It's been quid pro quo up til now -- mutual respect all the way -- a bipartisan agreement between our two species. But now, our farmers need you. They can't grow some of our delicious foods without ya. Can you even imagine a world without apples, cucumbers, cranberries, and almonds? What are aging women gonna put on their eyes? And you try explaining to a girl with a urinary tract infection that there is no more cranberry juice, cause I'm not gonna. So, bees, this is where we stand today -- America needs you, the cucumbers need you, and, hell, I need you, and I want to take this opportunity to inquire as to what we've done to deserve this.

Bill Maher recently pointed out that Einstein once said:

"If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would have only four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man."

I can't sleep on that. But even though our human scientists don't know why you left, but I think I have an idea. It's our movies, isn't it? Well, let me be (pun most definitely intended, fellas, and your majesties) the first to apologize for all those Killer Bee tv movies from the 70's. I promise you we didn't enjoy them either. We painted you with an unfair brush and for that we are sorry. Or maybe it was something else. Was it the guy who wore a beard of you? It was inappropriate and offensive and I believe that the Anti-Defamation League dealt with him accordingly, so you don't have to worry about being a replacement for facial hair any more.

Come to think of it, was it the time that the guy in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids rode one of you? Bees, psst, listen closely,(whispered) no one even remembers that movie. Seriously. It was a flash in the pan, and unsavory burp in American cinema and nothing more. Wait! That's it! We just haven't put you in good movies, right? I mean I don't blame ya, but oh man, bees, have I got news for you -- Jerry Seinfeld will be lending his iconic voice to an animated character in his upcoming film, Bee Movie. Did you hear that? One of our most beloved comedians will be playing a bee! What more can we do to show you our appreciation?

So, let's make up, bees. Hey, why don't you guys drop by the premiere and enjoy the show. You can hobnob with Spielberg, Seinfeld, and I hear Chris Rock is in the movie as well. So, be there or bee square. Eh? Whatcha say? If you liked that pun think of what Seinfeld can do!

"You can catch more flies with honey," we humans like to say. Well ain't nothing sweeter than an animated comedy, but if you bees don't start coming back that expression won't even make sense to future generations. And neither will the stories that I try to tell my grandkids about cucumbers and almonds. So let's start again on the right foot and make the 21st Century an era of harmony and honey.
Many happy returns,
The Dissentators

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