Saturday, March 24, 2007

House Votes to Set Date to Stop Being Morons

A divided house of representatives narrowly approved a resolution Friday to end its nearly four-year-old policy of acting like idiots. “It was time,” said speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi. “We gave that policy (being morons) a shot, but we think sometime next year we should get back to making sense.” When asked when the American people could expect the new policy to take effect, Pelosi remarked “listen guys, if I had my way, we’d stop acting like idiots tomorrow.”

The legislation passed with all but two republicans opposing. The republican leadership had this to say about the dissenters: “I guess when fit hits the shan some people run and some people stay. Trust me, we’ll be acting like morons well into our next Vietnam.” The break-ranks were not available for comment.

Top Democratic officials hailed the new legislation as the first rational act congress has accomplished in years and promised to follow it up with other intelligent decisions once it takes effect. “I, for one, can’t wait to start doing reasonable things again,” said representative Charles Rangel of New York. “We tried it back in the nineties, and everything seemed to go pretty well.” The congressman then pulled a rubber chew toy from his crotch and stapled it to his face. “Gotta get it all out now, I guess.”

Later in the afternoon, President Bush accused the Democrats of “turning their backs on the will of the American people.” Arguing to a packed room of white house correspondents, the President made the case that if the American people wanted their government to do things that made sense, they never would have elected him in the first place. “Put that one to the old noodle,” said the president.

The vote came around eleven o’clock this morning, capping weeks of vigorous debate in which it was agreed that, keeping to the current policy, not a single rational thing would be said. “Maybe this bill is a good idea, and maybe it’s not,” said former speaker of the house Dennis Hastert, “but the governing principle of this debate has got to be the one that’s still in place. That means utter ineptitude, no matter how idiotic that sounds.”

But after all the empty rhetoric and pointless squabbling, after none of the sides had been considered and no interests had been addressed, the house came to a decision that all representatives could agree on. Representative Robert Wexler of Florida said it best: “Even if we’re not acting like idiots anymore, we still have the Senate.”

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